


Crying at 3 AM is not healthy

by Jscuit



Series: JeanMarco [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Armin tries to comfort him, Crying, Late Night Sadness, M/M, Mentions of Marco's death, Sad Jean Kirstein, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 12:59:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18941437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jscuit/pseuds/Jscuit
Summary: Jean lets himself have a moment of grief on a stormy morning.But thinking back on your long lost bestfriend is hard, specially if you have to keep your sobs down as to not wake your roommates.





	Crying at 3 AM is not healthy

**Author's Note:**

> Headsup, I listened to Bulletproof weeks by Matt Nathanson on repeat while writing this.  
> Link to song - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNKDHmNcIvI
> 
> ((Also thnx to my friend for hitting me up with this song and inspiring me to write this, I'm kind of happy with how it turned out even if it's messy.))
> 
> ALSO, NO BETA READ. SORRY!

Jean had become familiar with the feeling of loss. After joining the Survey Corps he often suffered from the feeling. A fellow soldier would fall, everyone would sorrow for a few days at max, and then move on. If they had to survive they had to step up, and be strong. Be powerful and fearless. Push those damned tears back and give their hearts for humanity's survival.

 

Easier said than done. Everyone had someone they missed. Someone not quiet like the others, someone that they felt like they couldn’t live without. Some actually couldn’t live without them. Jean felt like he was split. He both couldn’t and could live without Marco.

It wasn’t like they were lovers. At least not yet then. And yeah, then he died.

 

Jean was still awake. It was late. It was raining heavily outside, it was like hundreds of small pebbles were thrown on the windows every second, and a thunder would shoot through the sky occasionally.   
The bottom bunk he sat in felt cold and empty. Eren was snoring away on the bunk over him. Mumbling something in his deep slumber. Jean didn’t care to listen, tonight was dedicated for sorrow, not to listen to Eren’s sleepy conversations with himself. He didn’t let himself feel like this often, but there just were  _ those  _ nights, where he just couldn’t help it.

His back was against the cold wall. His thin, white nightshirt didn’t help him with keeping warm, but again he couldn’t make himself care, not like pulling a blanket over him would warm the cold sadness running his veins anyways.

 

In the start he had tried to tell himself that he would see him again. That the freckled boy who he had the privilege to call his bestfriend would return, with all of him intact. Those cold, empty, dead eyes would be filled with the life and love that Jean was so used to. He would get to hear him come up with his stupid pep talks again.

_ “You would make a good leader Jean.”  _ Jean guesses that he would. If he had Marco by his side he felt like he could do anything.   
  


But wehen he saw Marco there, one, fourth of his body gone. Aten by a titan. Jean felt hopeless, there was so many questions.

 

_ Why him? _

_ What happened? _

_ Why didn’t he call for help? _

_ Why did the titan only eat one, fourth? _

__   
__   
Jean felt pathetic. Sitting there, in his room shared with three of his other comrades, crying in the dark of night. It was silent. No sobs, no sniffs, no screaming. Just a few stray tears running down his cheeks, staining a slight redness after them. Jean should dry his eyes, but the will to move anything in his body left him long ago. He’s so tired. So mentally tired.

He misses his mom. It’s childish, but she would know what to do. She would have comforted him. Now he’s here, comforting himself in the worst way possible.

 

He missed him. Missed Marco. Missed his laugh, his freckled cheeks. His light brown eyes, his smile. The way he would always place a comforting hand on his shoulder when he got mad. Marco didn’t fear Jean, even when he got mad. He never feared him.

 

It was after Marco’s death that Jean realized how much Marco meant for him in his everyday life. How he found joy in seeing him in the morning, back when they shared a bunk instead of Eren, who took over after Marco left. How much he appreciated it when he was in groups with the freckled boy. How much he liked his face, his shoulders, his torso, arms, legs- his everything.

His heart. His heart was probably the most beautiful part of him. The angelic soul. Tears fell more harshly now, a quiet sob accidentally escaped his mouth and he jolted forward, pulling a hand over his mouth to silence it.

Shit.

Don’t cry.  _ Marco wouldn’t want you to cry. _ He thought, which made another hiccuped sob escape his mouth.

_ Damn you Marco- _

 

“Jean?” A light voice whispered from the dark. Jean looked across from him and saw a blonde mess of hair sitting up in the bunk. Armin.

 

“Shit-” Jean cussed silently and dried his tears quickly. Armin couldn’t see him like this, this was private. “What’s wrong?” Armin asked, probably skipping the whole ‘Are you okay?’ questioning, since it was fairly obvious that no, he wasn’t okay.

 

“‘m fine.” The taller guy answered, drying the last tear that was slipping down his jawline off. “Just fine.”   
Silence filled the room again, the rain was calmer now.

A thunder struck down in the distance.   
“Was it a nightmare?” Armin asked carefully. Jean huffed, he wasn’t in the mood for Armin’s clever brain, he knew if he said no Armin would get suspicious. If he said yes Armin would want to know if he truly was okay.

 

“Yeah. Yeah just a nightmare.” Jean replied, hoping it would stop Armins interrogation and make him leave him alone. Of course it didn’t.

“Do you need to talk about it?” Jean chuckled. Oh woaw, talk about Marco. The one, no one besides him probably remembers. Sure. 

“It… I dreamt of someone I used to hold really dear. They died a while ago.” Jean muttered, no need to mention any names or gender specific terms. Just let it out, just this once. “We.. Used to be really close.” No need to give Armin any idea of who it is. “I’m sorry for your loss.” Armin muttered, Jean hadn’t noticed till now that Armin was sitting up on the edge of the bed, looking at him. Jean adjusted his sitting position a bit, making him sit cross legged. He sighed heavily.   
“We all suffer from losses, Armin.” He snapped in a low voice. Armin looked slightly taken aback. Jean felt kind of guilty for his harsh tone and cleared his throat.

“But, thanks. I guess.”   
_ A sorry doesn’t bring him back though.,  _ Jean thought. Jean looked up at Armin, the blonde opened his mouth to say something but Jean interrupted him. “I think I’ll get some sleep now.” Armin’s mouth closed again, and nodded. “Of course. Rest well.” He muttered and they both laid down. Jean laid awake for a while till he could hear Armin’s small deep breaths again.   
He sighed heavily. It was gonna be a  _ long  _ night.

**Author's Note:**

> Ay, if you liked this then please give it some kudos and feel free to comment!:D


End file.
